Last week this time I was franticly rushing to get everything in order before I left for Spain. I was so content as I knew exactly why I had to do this. I had a plan and that plan was to make peace with the fact that you left. Now, almost a week later, I am starting to wonder wether it is possible to replace what I have lost. Is it really possible to get that part of me back? Maybe the real journey is to make peace with my new reality and not with losing you. Maybe it is unrealistic to expect some sort of miraculous healing after just two months.
I have so many questions as to why you had to leave so early, but I remind myself that many people have to deal with the same loss every day; why am I any different. The funny thing about death is that it’s inevitable and we all know we’ll face it at some point, but once we’re confronted by it we’re left speechless with shock.
I am left with so many questions as to why you had to suffer so much and again I remind myself that there is always someone else out there with more pain. In a way I am convincing myself that I am sharing in your pain by doing this Camino and putting my body through this agony.
I am scared to find healing again because I am afraid that if I am truly happy you’ll think I have forgotten.
Even though I have always been focused on doing my own thing in life, you provided me with a sense of security and love that cannot be replaced now and this makes me so unsure of what to do next. My aim was always to make you proud.
I guess in the end, no matter how far I walk, reality won’t change and that is what I need to deal with.
Just please know that I will never ever forget you.